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Joke of the Day

"Joe: Yes, that was me. Obama: Please stop. Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here. Obama: Joe... Joe: Nope."

"Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom."

"What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight? There ain't no rest for the wicked"

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army."

"put this tweet on the news"

"Marijuana may cause paranoia but so does watching CNN."

"I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die."

"Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies !"

"Baby, you remind me of a perennial... cause you always make me come more than once."