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Joke of the Day
"Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a car. The car crashes. Who survived? *America.*"
Next Joke
"I had a racist incident in my kitchen today.... The black bean soup started dissing the white cream sauce, I finally told them both to simmer down."
"[dinner negotiations] Wife: where do you want to go to eat? Me: ugh Wife: Me: you pick Wife: I'm craving kale Me: I'll pick"
"I'm working on a screenplay called '127 Seconds' about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube."
"Just once...one time; can't we buy a tree that doesn't try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am."
"I'm trying to not be horny all the time but it's hard"
"I just read Fahrenheit 451. That book is lit."
"Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information- Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head"
"If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep."
"In light of recent events... ...I believe Adrian Peterson should start playing Major League Baseball. He'd be a great *switch* hitter."