102998

Joke of the Day

"""Because it would be hilarious,"" is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president."

"Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes."

"[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey! ""What'll it be?"" [out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I'm vegan"

"My friends think my cat is loyal and selective with his affection, but the truth is that I don't have any friends."

"Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die."

"How do you disappoint a redditor? [removed]"

"Do you want to hear a bad joke? *my life* Sorry if that was not likeable and miserable, *just like my face* Okay, I am going to stop before it gets too dark and too empty, *just like my soul.*"

"How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't it's either a monster or a giant banana."

"What's the similarity of the World Series and Lorde? They'll never be royals"

"Someday you'll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box."