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Joke of the Day

"Job interview tip: Tell them you're not an applicant, you're an appliCAN. Lick your finger, hold it against buttock. Make sizzling noise."

"Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes"

"Why is Michael Jackson not able to back into a parking space? Because he is dead."

"How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot."

"My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. :("

"Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them."

"What kind of medicine do bears take? Bayer Asprin"

"How Do You Make a Plumber Cry Kill his Family."

"I would rather text someone for a hundred hours than have to spend one second talking to them on the phone."

"Teacher : The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it ? Pupil : My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks !"