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Joke of the Day

"Me and my girlfriend are just too different... I exist and she doesn't"

"4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies? Me: That's an oddly specific question. 4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4"

"Why do Avon ladies walk funny? ..because their lipstick"

"If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist I'd have tree fiddy"

"Who's your dad's cousin's cousin's daughter to you? A potential Tinder date."

"Rene Descartes walks into a bar... The bartender says, ""Can I get you a drink?"" Descartes starts to say, ""I think not--"" but he disappears. I AM SO FUNNY, RIGHT GUISE?"

"What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo."

"If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven... is doing it in the shower a German oven?"

"I'm not saying it's hard for me to lose weight, I'm just saying if you interrupt me when I'm eating I'm starting over."

"I hate looking in the mirror. Whenever I do, there is always some asshole blocking my way."