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Joke of the Day

"Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money."

"[first day as tour guide on the moon] Me: keep your hats on Guy at the back: um they're called helmets Me: yeah you can take your hat off."

"I want to die like my grandfather . ..peaceful . . . ready to go. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car"

"Whats up r/jokes? Not march."

"I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... He said it's the most violent book he's ever read."

"On your resume under skills it says pickpocket? Is that right? (interviewer looks up) (he is wearing only underwear and I'm gone)"

"I went to the doctor. I went to the doctor with a stomach ache and I left with cancer! I was mad as hell!"

"Penis nicknames My ex-girlfriend nicknamed my penis after her favorite rapper, Biggie. So I nicknamed her boobs after my favourite country band, Rascal Flatts."

"Why is a miscarriage like a shitty pizza? They're both cold upon delivery."

"I hate listening to music during sex... There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there."