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Joke of the Day
"I was gonna make a sodium joke but... Na"
Next Joke
"Of course my days are numbered.. That's how calendars work."
"What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant? Can I have a different server?"
"I wish my wife was better in bed. <sighs> <disables autocorrect> I wish my WiFi was better in bed."
"Whenever I'm in doubt, I ask myself ""What would Jesus do?"" then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren't brilliant"
"Why can't we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say ""RT if you hate puppies and babies."""
"What did you do wrong if your wife comes out of the kitchen and yells at you? You made her chain to long."
"Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good. Me: Thanks, you look good too."
"""Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"" *Hitler rubs chin* So mine less [Grammar Nazi busts in] ""MINE FEWER"" [Hitler looks up] Yes?"
"The only girl who ever texts me... Is Amber Alert."