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Joke of the Day

"What do you and a black hole have in common? You're both dense motherfuckers."

"Can I program my dvr to delete Whitney but keep the funny commercials?"

"The worst time of day is when people start coming in the office. They are all cheerful and shit. Settle down jerks, it's work not an orgy."

"Why do Australians take forever to play chess? Because they never make it past the first check, mate."

"""I'd kill you if I thought I could get away with it"".......things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy's, she's available!"

"What do you get when you scare a tree? Petrified wood."

"I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am."

"Hurt my back while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon."

"Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I'm in it"

"People with amblyopia don't have a lazy eye... they have an eye with ADHD."