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Joke of the Day

"*smudges lipstick* *smears eyeliner* *gets mascara on earlobe* *never tries make-up sex again*"

"I've decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back"

"What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks Funny."

"Whenever I see people exercising early in the morning I think, ""Wow! I'm so impressed I'm up this early!"""

"What did one bell say to the other? ""Be my valenchime!"""

"Two lizards are being chased by the police ... and one says to the other 'Lose the tail!'"

"Why are the British known for keeping a stiff upper lip? Because it hides their teeth."

"People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I'm going to answer"

"Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions."

"When I die I don't want a big funeral. I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life..."