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Joke of the Day

"I guess you could say Mendeleev's Birthday comes around periodically."

"I need a new car.. The one I have keeps taking me to work."

"In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags. Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time."

"Me: I want to buy this chicken Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him? *imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy* Me: Yes"

"I'm Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children."

"When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on."

"ACTORS' TIP: can't afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add ""driving stunts"" to your resume"

"The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops"

"Your mama is so fat... If she falls she drops harder than Skrilex..."

"First Date: ""So, tell me something no one else knows about you."" Well, my wife thinks I'm at the movies and you think I'm single."