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Joke of the Day

"[Court] ""Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"" Me: yes. *GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

"My moral compass just spins."

"Two ninjas walk into a bar. They stole several glasses and a Vodka bottle, without the bartender noticing."

"""Your finest Scotch, please."" ""Yes, sir,"" the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape."

"What do my iPhone and my girlfriend have in common? They both go off again two minutes later to remind me of the same thing."

"When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul."

"At least Stevie wonder was faithful, he never saw any other women during his marriage."

"What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do."

"What do you call a musician's best friend? A drummer..."

"I always keep a google search for ""how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them"" open on my phone in case anyone steals it."