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Joke of the Day

"Two guys walk into a bar... The third one ducks."

"Breaking news: The Irish have come up with a new use for sheep. Wool."

"I tried writing some jokes on Weed But I was too high to remember to write them down"

"Where did you leave your legless dog? Where you left him. And how do you call him? Doesn't matter, he won't come."

"I just ate a silica salt packet and I've been using a plastic bag as a toy because I live life on the motherfucking edge."

"Jack is coming over. ""Jack from work or Jack and the..."" [a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]"

"I am starting a sanctuary for oversized marine mammals. It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees."

"Amazingly, this sentence contains all letters of the alphabet djkquvwxz"

"Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two."

"Did you hear about the unnecessarily large string orchestra? It was shut down due to mass violins"