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Joke of the Day

"I just ate a silica salt packet and I've been using a plastic bag as a toy because I live life on the motherfucking edge."

"One day, some dude was all ""You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,"" and everybody went ""That is a GREAT idea."""

"[God creating pufferfish] How about a terrifying balloon"

"If I didn't have to pee, I'd probably never get out of bed."

"I like my women like I like my wine.... Nine years old and locked in my basement."

"You think we should see other people? I'm bipolar. I am other people."

"Awesome watch I got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it."

"[nerdy] A new shoe slogan ""Be happy, and you will buy Converse!"""

"What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today? Scratching at the inside of his coffin."

"I don't care about babies on flights, but people who don't travel often should have their own terminal."