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Joke of the Day

"You know when your cat looks at your kids like ""thanks to you I've been out of food for 3 days and nobody's noticed"" .....?"

"With gay marriage being legal now does that mean we don't have to call them butt buddies anymore? Good because that was a pain in the ass."

"I think Stu does not gets the recognition he deserves Without him, those who are studying would just be dying."

"Two crows are loitering in the park; why did they get arrested? Attempted murder."

"Why are there no Televisions in Afganistan? Because of the taliban"

"I took this girl home after our date... Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card? Her: *softly* holy shit"

"What are snails trying to do? Their best"

"Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything. Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon Brain: oh dear"

"[Gets on one knee] Margaret- [Pulls out ring] Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won't stop following me."

"What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? Only a hooker can wash her crack and sell it again."