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Joke of the Day

"The awkward moment when you can't read your own handwriting and you're like ""WTF did I just write?!"""

"THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he speaks in typos ME: EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA! THERAPIST: ok maybe we should take 5 ME: food idea"

"Cop: ""Are you driving under the influence?"" Me: ""No."" Cop: ""Say the alphabet backwards."" Me: ""Tebahpla eht."""

"Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring. Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?"

"Father walks in son's room and catches him masturbating........ Father says, ""Son if you don't stop that you'll go blind."" Son responds, ""Dad, I am over here."""

"I'm 32. I don't have haters. I have too much debt and teeth that shifted from not wearing a retainer."

"GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion."

"What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off an apologize."

"What do you get when you have rough sex in an ice cream parlour? A sore bae."

"Why the long face? ""A horse walks into the bar and the bartender comes over and says, 'Why the long face?'"" - Not my original for sure, but always makes me smirk."