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Joke of the Day

"THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he speaks in typos ME: EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA! THERAPIST: ok maybe we should take 5 ME: food idea"

"Married for money... Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn naked? Wife: That I married you for your money!"

"What could have been the most stuppidest result of Napolleonic wars if France won? Tsar Napoleon."

"Bad news: I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school. Worse news: I'm a bus driver"

"*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*"

"A GoFundMe, so I can buy an avocado."

"Did you know, that we eat more bananas than monkeys? Last year the UK ate 76,500,000 bananas and only 6 monkeys."

"I feel bad every time I lie to Waze and say I'm the passenger when I'm really driving."

"Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow."

"There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list."