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Joke of the Day

"Me: I'm ghosting him. Her: You stopped talking to him? Me: No, I'm showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him."

"If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you're automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta"

"What happens when two oxen bump into each other? You have an oxident."

"What do you call a cow that stopped producing milk? An udder failure."

"I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind."

"I decided to email Ted Kaczynski yesterday Edit : wow, my inbox blew up"

"I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons."

"""guns don't kill people, guns CREATE people!"" *fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*"

"The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes."

"*walking into our new house* ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home? HER: *giggling* OK *later, flinging holy water* ME: GET OUT GHOSTS"