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Joke of the Day

"The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants.. ... Though, they do make me look a bit gay."

"[First date] Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling? Him: Water? Me: No, my personality."

"If someone says ""With all due respect,"" what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you."

"Q: Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face? - A: Because it's the scenter."

"Read out loud for full affect * ""Knock knock"" * ""Who's there"" * ""I eat mop"" * ""I eat mop who"" * *que laughter Gets em every time"

"What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."

"If I had a dollar for every downvote... I'd be rich from this post."

"How can you tell male from female ants? Throw them in a bucket of water; if it floats, it's buoyant."

"What's the best thing about being a necrophiliac? You don't have to bring the flowers."

"What do you get when you combine a watch with a dog? An eternally suffering abomination...YOU MONSTER!"