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Joke of the Day
"What do you call a snobish criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending."
Next Joke
"I like to nickname my penis Buzz Lightyear Because he likes to travel to the star and beyond"
"[at restaurant] Me: ""I'm so hungry I could eat a horse"" Wife: ""I'm the same"" Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*"
"What is the best tool for getting a handle on your gambling addiction? A vice grip."
"Tourettes What do we want? A cure for tourettes! When do we want it? Cunt!"
"Captain: You're suspended. Turn in ur badge and gun. [he does, but immediately grows a new badge and gun] Godammit, u were born to be a cop."
"I never buy Easter Seals... because I wouldn't know what to feed them. Norm McDonald"
"Her legs spread so easy, I can't believe it's not butter."
"Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died."
"[at gym] Him: How much do you bench? Me: Way less than I couch."