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Joke of the Day

"The pessimist in me says 'the glass is half empty'... The optimist in me says 'at least it's whiskey'."

"Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker."

"cause baby now we've got baaathtubs you know we soaking in maaad suds so take a loofah for baaack scrubs cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]"

"*tweet gets 3 rts* please no autographs"

"what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce"

"I have bulimic Alzheimers I always eat too much but forget to throw up."

"The fact that Americans eat cookie dough and cake batter shows that we can't even wait until it's done cooking anymore."

"Waitress: need anything else? Me: yes, a cup of black coffee. W: and how would u like your coffee? M: uhhh..black and in a cup?"

"What is nasal sex? Fuck nose"

"What's the Top Job Requirement for Deep Sea Diver Position? Ability to work under pressure."