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Joke of the Day

"Do you want to know what I was for discovery channel dress up day? I dressed up as naked and afraid. I was naked everybody else was afraid."

"When I open the Sriracha and a bunch squirts out on its own I tell it that it's okay, it happens to a lot of hot sauces."

"A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg. Authorities say something sinister is afoot."

"A french pastry was stalking me this morning I felt really creped out"

"Without Women A world without women would be a pain in the ass."

"Sometimes I'll just go ""liking"" some shit on the Internet and I honestly don't even know if I really mean it."

"I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice"

"People say you can't compare apples to oranges... ... always seemed like a fruitful comparison to me though."

"I was thinking about Billy Mays the other day... I decided he's in heaven partying like it's nineteen ninety-nine ^(plus shipping and handling.)"

"You're a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken's done."