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Joke of the Day

"Why are assholes always more successful than you? Because they make shit happen."

"Q: Why should you never run in front of a bus? A: You will get tired."

"Thanks for wiping down my table... a damp surface that smells like a dirty sweat sock is so much better than a few crumbs."

"What do you call a hooker with no limits? Your mom."

"*Tucks shirt in* ""Goodnight, shirt."""

"My roommate said he was going to quite masterbating I asked how that was going. He said, ""I don't know man I just haven't been feeling myself."""

"A police officer pulls over a speeding car.. The cop said to the driver, ""Ha! I've been waiting for someone like you all day!"". The driver replied, ""Well, I got here as fast as I could!"""

"How do you spell me? ""M E."" ""No you forgot the D."" ""There's no D in me."" ""Not yet."" It's a classic, my friend got me with this right after I got him with the ""duck weigh""."

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. I don't know what they did up there, but they came back with a daughter."

"Why are C programmers just the worst? They're classless."