91031

Joke of the Day

"*4yo son, crying* I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to cook the macaroni necklace? *sigh* Parenting is hard."

"I was going to go camping for vacation... But I think it's too in tents for me..."

"A man was found dead with his penis in a jar of crunchy peanut butter He was fucking nuts"

"Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible"

"If you see an Apple store getting robbed.... Does that make you an iWitness?"

"I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. I replied, ""Yeah, man, you're free."""

"""Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha"" [i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] ""Actually it's lasagna"""

"I'm giving up spellcheck for Lant"

"How many Chauvinists does it take to Change a Lightbulb? None, because chauvinists can't change anything."

"""How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?"" ""It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."""