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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit."

"When someone ends a sentence with ""af"" they were hastily trying to type ""A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME"" but could not make it in time."

"My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless."

"Q: How many believable competent ""just right for the job"" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It's going to be a dark 4 years isn't it?"

"What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka? A sorority."

"*in bed* Him: what's your fantasy, baby? Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold Him: No, like sexual Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-"

"Why do bacteria congregate in public places? It's a part of their culture."

"We should call them Whether Men, because they don't know whether or not it's going to rain, get it? That's a good one."

"Yesterday I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad at me Not my fault that they don't have windows."

"It's totally amazing how cars run on dinosaur poop or however the fuck fossils work. I'm not a dinosaur scientition over here. Fuck's sake."