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Joke of the Day

"Me:*looks up from phone* Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench. Family: M: Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent"

"I wonder, if I say ""Hi"" to everyone on here, how many ""Hi's"" I get back? So let me say Hi...."

"What's the difference between a civilian camp and an ISIS base? I don't know I just fly the drones"

"I used to piss my pants in front of my 3rd grade class.... And it cost me my entire teaching career.."

"Next time someone asks me a question I'm going to pull a Google & tell them my response time: ""I'd like the salad. (2.5 seconds!)"""

"Yo mama so fat... You have to yell OMNIKIN before you kick her."

"I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost."

"Olive Garden's motto of ""When Youre Here, Youre Family"" makes sense bc I also try to make my family miserable by serving them terrible food."

"The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans."