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Joke of the Day

"I'm not all that concerned about Celine Dion's recent losses. I'm pretty sure her heart will go on."

"Friend: You know that country song that goes- Me: No."

"Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick into someones ass."

"""My phone's about to die."" -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ...."

"I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?"

"What does a sailor use to clean his clothes? Tide"

"How would you describe your past work? [Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar] -Change management."

"What came first the chicken or the egg? The Rooster"

"[High Stakes Poker] Dealer: Are you in or are you out? Schrodinger's Cat: [For the 20th time] BOTH [Player flips table]"

"How many vegetarians does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One, if no one's looking."