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Joke of the Day

"I am like an electron.... My wife can only make guesses at my precise location by means of a probability function"

"How many dads does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to put it in and one to complain that he never screws anything anymore."

"Just found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they are way too big for him."

"Friends don't let friends make Harlem Shake' videos..."

"Confidence A driverless car company announced that they will not sell their product to people who have less than five years' driving experience."

"Why do they call wood carving ""whittling""? Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler."

"What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals? He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed."

"Why was the Formica factory so inefficient? Everything they did was counter productive."

"Hey darling, what would you like for Christmas? ""Oh... I don't know... maybe something that gets from 0 to 100 in seconds when I step on it?"" ""So... bathroom scales?"""

"[me on a ledge] COP: (through megaphone) WE'VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP! *Kris Kross steps out of a police van*"