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Joke of the Day

"There's a fine line between numerator and denominator."

"[first date] I just love that you are a normal, cool girl. *subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair* -Yeah, totally."

"Who was the only president that was not guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent."

"9 years ago i asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today i asked her to marry me. She said no both times."

"So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod. Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list."

"I need the ""Viewer Discretion Advised"" voice to narrate my life."

"What is the difference between 3 dicks and a joke about Muhammad? Terrorists can't take a joke about Muhammad."

"What did they say about the pastry with the low IQ? He was Retarted"

"all i want for christmas this year is to get off all social media forever"

"Why couldn't Led Zeppelin play pinball? They had No Quarter"