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Joke of the Day

"Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD??? Me: What? No....it's my wife's..... Hips: No.... It's his... Me: Shut up Hips!"

"Who me? Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting ""free candy"" on the side of creepy looking vans."

"Did you hear about the two fat guys who ran in the marathon? One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts."

"Ladies, don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes."

"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I dunno, but the real question is how'd they get in there in the first place?"

"Me: Check it out! I'm juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You're supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can't you just be happy for me?"

"The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like."

"Why hasn't Mexico won any medals in the Olympics? Because all the Mexicans who can swim well, jump high and run fast are in the United States."

"Why did the police assault the crowd? Because a-peppering them would make them sneeze!"

"Where do you find a down-and-out octopus ? On squid row !"