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Joke of the Day

"5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up! Me: What? What's wrong? 5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7.. Me: It's 4am! 5yo: I can't tell time.."

"you'll know you're a grown-up when you keep fifteen unnecessary pillows on your bed"

"Why did the semen cross the road? Because that's where the submarine was."

"I was dating a girl with a lazy eye. Unfortunately I had to break up with her because she was seeing someone else on the side."

"There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called ""put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"""

"LeAnn Rimes No, it doesn't."

"After a klose game with messi challenges and neuer goal scoring opportunities, ze Germans kept their cool and gotze World Cup that they deserved!"

"Dude on Amtrak I sized up as being a lawyer just used ""litigation"" during a phone call. Feeling powerful right now."

"what will i do when i have an out-of-body experience? i'll see myself out...."

"""bowl of chips"" 9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips."