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Joke of the Day

"My girl broke up with me, thinks I am childish. So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and ran away..HA!"

"Q: What do you call a running chicken? A: Poultry in motion."

"What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care!"

"[At a One Direction concert] No, I'm not a...I SAID NO I'M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH"

"I heard a joke about a grizzly giving birth to cubs... It's bears repeating."

"I think most people in California replaced being polite with putting avocado in everything they eat."

"Pizza burnt the inside of my mouth and I don't understand why the things I love most keep hurting me"

"Friend: How's the wine? Me: It's exCHARDONNARY Friend: *taking my glass away* No."

"You'll sleep when you're dead?...that's adorable. Well, I'll lose weight when I'm dead, so pass the doughnuts."

"I lost my mood ring earlier today... I'm not sure how I feel about that."