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Joke of the Day

"Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways: 1. WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK? 2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?"

"My friends say I'm like a candle. If you forget I exist, so help me God, I'll burn your house down."

"Why is a Mexican midget called 'a paragraph'? Because he's not a full ese."

"Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell. After: get them to put on pants."

"What do snowmen eat for lunch ? Icebergers !"

"If you watch Twitter backwards, it's about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world."

"What religion do mosquitoes follow? Muslim, because they go to a mosque...ito. ^Sorry."

"How does Justin Bieber remove a condom? He farts."

"What's good about Switzerland? Not much, but the flag is a big plus."

"Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours."