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Joke of the Day

"""I'm dying call me an ambulance"" Best friend: ""Ok dying, you're an ambulance"""

"So i worked at the USPS...I'm apparently not the ""man"" for the..... the sub its named for."

"I'd probably be broke by now if there was a website where you could pay to flirt with lobsters"

"Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house."

"People are freaking out because the Orlando shooter was investigated by the FBI and was able to buy a rifle. But you can also run for president."

"What's Helen Keller's favorite mouthwash? Jergen's lotion."

"went to a temporary tatoo parlor it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone."

"Why do heavy drinkers usually live longer than light drinkers? Because you thought this was going to be a fat joke, that's why"

"Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer."

"Yo mama's so fat... ...when she died, she had to be preserved in formalda-wide. She then had to be whipped creamated. If she wasn't, they would have had to given her an open-graveyard funeral."