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Joke of the Day

"I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl. I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages."

"I feel like I have something to prove here. Judge: That's sort of how this works."

"I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check."

"Q: What do termites eat for breakfast? A: Oakmeal."

"If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?"

"I'm not saying she's a slut, but if she had as many dicks sticking out of her as she did in her, She'd be a porcupine!"

"""HULK WANT LOAN."" Bank: ""We can't loan to people like you."" ""GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??"" Bank: ""No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage."""

"I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas."

"I dream about sleeping with Michael J. Fox I bet he's a really good vibrator."

"What does a tuna, a glue stick, and a piano have not have in common? You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."