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Joke of the Day

"Do you want to hear a dirty joke? Jimmy fell in the mud. You wanna hear a clean joke? Jimmy had a bath with bubbles. You wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door."

"Did you hear about Princess Dianas car crash? She was all over the radio. And the dash. And the windshield..."

"Friend- ""You're drunk."" Me- *mocking voice* ""You're drunk."" Friend- ""Stop."" Me- *morphs into clone of friend* ""Stop."""

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothin, you've already told her twice!"

"When someone asks ""You know what I think?"", I say ""Yes I do"". End of discussion."

"psychic: ""I see... I see kids in your future"" me: ""but I've had a vasectomy"" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] ""This's bullshit"""

"Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it. If he's not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I'm going home."

"I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name... I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim. Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions, I saw, I conquered, I came."

"Why can't the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite? Because it's soda pressing"

"A fish swims into a wall. It says damn!"