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Joke of the Day

"Changed ex's name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn't show up when he texts."

"I'm starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids."

"How do gingers make friends? No seriously, im getting lonely."

"Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me."

"I can't believe carotene is STILL in its beta phase."

"Out of? Mom (about her son): Look at these marks Jim has scored... 8.. 10... 7.. Dad: Out of? Mom: Out of pity!"

"Everyone keeps telling me that the holocaust happened.. But I don't know if it Israel."

"Michael Brown, Freddie Gray... The police really don't like colored people."

"If I got a dollar, for every time I think of you. I might start thinking of you."

"17 yo didn't do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school."