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Joke of the Day

"I've been eating a lot of Thai food lately to lose weight. I'm on an Ethnic Cleanse."

"I never close my eyes in the shower because that's how murderers know when to show up and kill you."

"Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot. Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look. H: ..."

"What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field? amaized."

"Why are black people so tall? Because they're negros. (Hah get it? Knee grows?)"

"The next version of Android oughta be called Nuts. That way I can tell everyone that they're holding an Android with its nuts in their hand."

"No end in sight... I can't see an end. I have no control. I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Time for a new keyboard."

"[finds money in jacket] nice [finds more money in pants] Today is my day. On a roll Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?"

"The police caught a man masturbating in public. As they were arrestng him, they told him, ""You came in the wrong neighborhood."""

"ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m COP: You don't need an alibi, you're not a suspect ME: I know, I'm just telling everyone"