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Joke of the Day

"Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink. Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP. Brain: Can you actually hear me?"

"I like to spend my Sunday night wishing it wasn't Sunday night."

"If a woman falls in the kitchen and I pretend not to hear it, does she still hear the sound of me tweeting about it?"

"God to now go through your old tweets before making final decision on heaven."

"I just put a girl in the hospital. I'm in charge of hiring new nurses."

"To the ""Remain"" crowd in Britain... come to Canada! Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow."

"Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? They're always raising the steaks!"

"Why was Santa in the asylum? He lost his SANTAty"

"I thought of a great joke about turkey coups. I would tell you, but it would probably fly right over your head."

"There are only 10 sorts of people in the world those who understand binary and those who don't."