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Joke of the Day

"People don't usually compliment me on my driving... But today I saw a note on my car that said ""PARKING FINE"". That was nice of them. ... I'll escort myself out."

"[Woods] SNOW WHITE: Oh, what a lovely little house! GOLDILOCKS: [in ski mask] Beat it, sister. I've been scoping this place out for weeks."

"Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face"

"City Life At first I was Ern(e)st and Young, but then became Standard and Poor: yet when I got broody I was rated as Moody, loosing my triple A score"

"Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas"

"I really can't stand listening to dubstep... I guess it just wubs me the wrong way."

"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs Because they always take things literally."

"A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot."

"What do you do when a gay man is choking? Take your dick out of his mouth. im sorry"

"I like my women like I like my dick... ...kept in a dark place and taken out to be beaten every once in a while"