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Joke of the Day

"I asked Roy Hodgson if he would consider 4-4-2 next week. He said, ""No, we'll probably go 7-4-7 it's wider and offers more leg room."""

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"My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met."
"Poor Product Name Power equipment manufacturer Stihl recently developed a baby harness. They're calling it the Stihl Bjorn. So far, the only order placed has been by Rick Santorum."
"Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief"
"My neighbor seriously just asked me, ""Does Canada have 4th of July?"" I said ""No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh? I need to move."
"Do you need a bag? I had just bought a box of condoms when the cashier asked, ""Do you need a bag?"" I replied, ""No, she's not that ugly."""
"Took my date to Star Wars and dinner... to make sure BB-8."
"What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today? Scratching at the inside of his coffin."
"Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli."
"What did the deer say to its lover? You are very ""deer"" to me."