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Joke of the Day

"My dad told me I was no son of his. Then my mom said ""Dammit how did he know?"""

"Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature? First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare"

"If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married."

"What did the nun wear to the casino? Her gambling habit."

"Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies!"

"Hopefully ""researching tweets"" will hold up in a court of law when the prosecution presents my google search history as evidence."

"Do cucumbers make anyone else burp? Or am I shoving mine up to far?"

"I remember when [person x] was just *this* big (hold hand at knee level)... Then as I got closer I realized it was a matter of perspective."

"Your teeth are like the stars Yellow and separated."

"Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings."