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Joke of the Day

"[Bank Robbery] Put all the money in the bag and no one- *sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt* MOST people won't get hurt!!"

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That's weird, dude."

"What would you doooooooo? for a klondike bar?"

"Did you hear about the dog who went to the flea circus? He stole the show."

"Q: Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing? A: He was striking a happy medium."

"I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from."

"When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it. Because whoever found it was spending less than she was."

"NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick! DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don't you knock?!? *hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*"

"You'll never guess what my login name is. Constipated."

"People who say they are ""comfortable in their own skin,"" scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin"