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Joke of the Day

"He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry"

"The cashier wasn't impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said ""Keep the change"" from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase."

"Why didn't the President fight with the chair? Because we don't negotiate with chair-orrists."

"While my husband is gone I was cleaning...the Nutella jar. He will be impressed at how I gained 10lbs in 4hrs."

"For something that has nine lives, you'd think this cat would spend at least one of them not being an annoying cunt."

"How can you tell a golf course is owned by Donald Trump? The rough is combed over the fairway"

"Will glass coffins be a success Clearly"

"Hi..You've reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not."

"My mom and I donated 15 boxes of old books to Goodwill, and in every 100th book I left a note with an urgent spy message."

"I have a life besides Twitter. Like this one time that I take a walk into the woods but then realize there was no wifi & I began to panic."