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Joke of the Day
"What do you call a potato with no limbs? An amputater"
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"What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]"
"Take My Advice I Don't Use It Anyways"
"settle down twitter crush. i didn't ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i've picked for our kids"
"I don't care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog."
"Q: What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? A: ""Is it mine?"""
"""Why can't I just eat the wax?"" ~me, when I can't open the cheese"
"[murder trial] LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife's life support for five minutes? COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works."
"[walking down street with date after dinner] him: i had a great time me: yep... [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]"
"me: *dies* mom: no get up you still have to go to school."