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Joke of the Day

"[writing own obituary before going to the zoo just in case] ""his hatred of lions was well known and dreamt of fighting one two of them"""

"""Did you get a haircut?"" ""No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible..."""

"If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!"

"Did you hear the rumor that Sodium was dating Chloride? Na, I would take that for a grain of salt."

"I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed."

"Ex: Holy skinny jeans! Me: They are new. Like them? Ex: Sure... Me: What? Ex: Should a woman your age wear those? Divorce Reason 509"

"What does an elephant use for a tampon? A sheep."

"Watching real love on shows like The Bachelor makes me realize my own marriage is a fake bucket of shit."

"What happened when the mathematician put seaweed on her boobs? Algae-bra!"

"A girl just referred to New Kids On The Block as ""Classic Rock"" & now I understand why the world hates Americans."