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Joke of the Day

"Want to hear something clean? I took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear something dirty? Bubbles is my neighbor."

"How much does a German weigh? Teutons."

"""I'm so hungry, I could eat a human baby."" Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned ""Corn-fed organic of course, I'm not a monster."""

"No thanks, babies. If I'm going to let something inside of my body that's going to destroy my figure, it'll be cheese, bread and booze."

"My friend's been dating Tim Howard She told me he's a keeper."

"I was researching converting to Mormonism until I found out you have to give them 10% of your income I guess I'm Jewish."

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "" I'm tired ."" ""I'm washing my hair."" ""I've got a headache."" ""I am your sister-in-law."""

"How would you describe Al Gore playing the drums? Algorithm."

"[Calls boss] I won't be in today ""Why not?"" [camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car] I've got the shits."

"I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 5 billion dollaers???"