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Joke of the Day

"RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I'M PREGNANT"

"How you doin' Jerusalem! ""WINE"" Here's a new tric- ""MAKE WINE"" Please, I've been working very hard on my routi- *dodges stone jars of water*"

"INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut? ME: *takes three* I: Um, ok, what's your greatest strength? ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control"

"What do you call a Pixar film about Carpets? A Rug's Life."

"Want to hear a joke about Jonestown? I'd tell you but the punchline is too long."

"woman vs Food would be a very boring show where she gazes wistfully at the dessert menu and sighs."

"I know Karate... ...And like two other Japanese words."

"Did you know the first sniper was a Mexican? Juan shot, Juan kill."

"Two fat Scottish sounding women in my bar tonight... ""Hey, are you two from Scotland?"" I asked. ""It's WALES you fucking idiot,"" one yelled. I apologized, ""Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"""

"I can't wait for hillary to become president and appoint bernie sanders as her vice president ""I did not have sexual relations with that man"""