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Joke of the Day

"There's a new machine at my gym. I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick... It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!"

"The smarter the person, the less they tell you about it."

"If a parsley farmer is sued... can they garnish his wages?"

"ELI5: Why do we blink subconsciously? You aren't now!"

"Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away? The newspaper headlines the next day read: #**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#"

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card He's a man after my own heart."

"How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25? Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20."

"[At the ferret store] I'll take five of those furry slinkys"

"Where's the best place to find a dog with no legs? Where you left it"

"""john, did you see my dog?"" ""Yes, i did. He was in the garden... ""He was in the garden doing politics, so i shot him"". ""How can you tell he was doing politics?"" ""He was eating shit, Sir !"""