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Joke of the Day

"I can't remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car"

"Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period."

"i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat"

"I caught a lot lizard the other day.... Keeping it in a cage with hot rocks till i figure out what to feed it..."

"WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning? GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN'T REAL: what"

"[awful tragedy happens] me (rolling up sleeves): time to be an idiot online"

"Why does homemade bread not make your throat itch? It's made from scratch ^*NB ^OP ^is ^heckle-proof*"

"What is a pirate's favourite letter? He doesn't have one. He's illiterate."

"I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music."

"The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she's surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her."