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Joke of the Day

"I hate Sharknado, it is SO unrealistic. Rain? In California? Did they even pretend to research for this movie?"

"What did the customer say to the overworked seamstress? Wow, you seamstressed out. (I'm so sorry)"

"Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didnt realize we were having dinner in my room"

"Someone asked me if I was more indecisive or anti-climactic. I guess if I had to choose...I'd definitely say I'm one or the other."

"The most maddening part of your parents giving you annoying advice is that they're usually right."

"I can be the Taco Beast... ...If you're my Taco Belle!"

"Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit!"

"Q: What is the best Iraqi job ? A: Foreign Ambassador"

"[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!"

"Do you know who has the most home runs in MLB history? Barry Bonds... Do you know who leads the MLB in strikeouts pitched? Nolan Ryan... Do you know who has been hit by the most balls? Liberaci"